Emails Say It Best

okay, so my phone's officially on the fritz. I think it got wet last night, when I was walking in the rain. it would probably help if I took out the battery, but it doesn't wanna be removed :(

I've had a rough day. this morning, my brother collapsed for no apparent reason, and was brought to the ER via ambulance. this happened before, when he was 11 (he's 18 now) and the doc said the first time around that he's hyperglycemic (the one where he needs sugar all the time). thing is, according to the blood work, his blood sugar was fine/normal, so we don't know what's up with him. the doc even ran routine drug tests to rule them out, and sure enough they came back clean... so now the question is: wtf is going on with him?

my mom says it's stress. but seriously?! the kid doesn't work and has no bills. he's not going to school, and he gets everything/anything he asks for. what kinda stress does he have?! that's the kind that I wanna have!

it looks like he'll be okay. he had a slight concussion, but that's all. I think I handled the situation well. I was on my way to work when my mom called me, frantic. I rushed home while on my cell phone, fighting the static, etc., and made sure my mom called 911. then I texted my coworker to let her know that I wasn't gonna be at work while making asking my mom to make sure that my brother was breathing okay, etc.

she's a f*cking nurse, and she wasn't sure how to check on him! AHHH!!! I mean, yeah, I get it, he's your son and you freak out when there's something wrong with him (my dad freaked out the first time it happened, big time) - but geez!

so yeah. that was part 1 of today. then my half brothers' mom called me to try to get me on her side for the court case against my dad (apparently, she heard that I'm a feminist and believes that that means I'll side with the woman in any situation).

then I had to meet with my folks' lawyer because I'm getting sued for outstanding medical bills.

CRAZINESS!!!!!

I still have YET to file my taxes (doing it on Monday) and all I wanna do is kick back drinks with some cool people and dance away the night. *sigh* what are you doing tonight? Sherene's celebrating her 25th at The Park tonight. I'm gonna head there kinda late (arond 12ish, I think) cuz I have to make a cameo at Eli's apartment warming party (which you could meet me in front of, if you want. it's by Ave J on the Q line)... anywhos, wanna join us? I love The Park, and it should be some fun times!

XO-M

More of the Same

I'm soooo stressed right now with classes. I feel like I'm a good student who just can't catch a break. I shoulda known better than to take classes with a professor who runs hot and cold on me, but I figured I needed the classes to graduate so I'd do it. I was doing well, coming to class every week, but finances at home are really bad, so I was having a hard time keeping up with the classwork. At one point, I worked 60+ hours a week just to help out at home, and I'm sure if I was still going to my shrink, she'd say I was in need of anxiety/depression meds. I lost 14 lbs. in 2 weeks. I couldn't concentrate. I wasn't sleeping. I figured, I'd keep on going to class, explain my situation to the professor, and hand in my papers asap.

Then, a few weeks ago, he screamed on me. Like, SERIOUSLY, veins-popping-from-his neck, spit on my face, his face deep crimson, military-style, screamed on me. He made an example out of me in front of the class, for what he was capable of if a student wasn't handing in their work on-time. And something broke in me. The frustration of my situation was all I could take, and I couldn't handle the added stress caused by a professor screaming on me. Call me sensitive, but I need to be treated with a certain amount of understanding and respect - especially when my world is fall around my ears and I'm struggling.

The next week, I handed in some of my work, but he seemed dismissive of me. I didn't know what else to do. It took so much energy just to reach out to him and let him know that I'm still doing my work and that I really am trying to keep up, and his reaction was the equivalent of a shrug of the shoulders. No words of encouragement, no attempt at figuring out a Plan B. I stopped attending class.

I stopped going to my Penguin internship in order to free up some time for academics. I've been giving myself a lot more time to relax during the past couple of days. I'm becoming more focused and more driven. All I can think of doing is handing in my papers, coming to class, explaining myself to the professor, and hoping for the best. The truth is, though, in a lot of ways, I need a break from life. The past month has been hell for me. I'm talking about insomnia-and-indigestion-inducing, can't-even-afford-to-buy-a-turkey-for-Thanksgiving, my-parents-calling-me-worthless-cuz-I-can't-earn-enough-for-the-family-despite-the-fact-that-I'm-working-around-the-clock, eyes-swollen-shut-from-crying-so-much HELL.

Which is why I'm leaving. I can never fully extract myself from my family because our relationship is symbiotic, and despite all the crap they put me through, I love them. I need to make cash asap, and I need to be done with school. Only, I know what the job market's like, and I know I won't be able to earn much more than I'm currently earning after I get my English/Philosophy degree. So I've decided to go to the Philippines (where my baby brother's going to school), take up my uncle's offer to teach English in an orphanage in his district (he's a councilman), and earn a BS in physicians assistance (in a US-accredited program). It should take less than 3 years to complete, and during that time, an affluent friend of mine has agreed to loan me cash to help my family. After I earn my degree (which will cost a combined 3-year total of about $1500), I'll have good earning potential, so I can pay him back. And in the process, I get to take a break from the stress of NY living.

So that's my plan. At first, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders simply because I figured out a plan. Now another weight (just as heavy) has replaced it; I need to make it happen. I need to pass my classes this semester, transfer my credits to the Philippines, and continue with life. If I don't pass my classes, the whole plan goes down the toilet and I'm not sure what to do next. I just know that I was very close to going crazy. The way I was going, with my frustration at its boiling point and suicidal/homocidal thoughts circling my brain, it was only a matter of time before I did something crazy. For the time being, I've been given some hope. I have a plan and I'm doing what I have to do to get by. I just hope all goes well. I don't know how I would react to more disappointment. I'm gonna get to work. I'll talk to you soon. I hope things are going well with you.

Love,Maria

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ??? Date: 01 Dec 2007, 08:49

Leaving the country in a few months??? Yes, we DO need to update each other!!

I Belong in the Creative End

Dear Penguin Group,

Thank you so much for hiring me as an intern. I have had the pleasure of working with admirable, dignified, and extremely intelligent and capable people at Penguin. Furthermore, I indeed learned a lot about the publishing industry, and even more about publicity and marketing than I'd previously known. My eight weeks with you were challenging and insightful, and I am thankful for that experience.

I now know that the business of selling books is run just like any other corporation, and that I was naive to aggrandize the nobility and artistry involved in the industry. At the end of the day, a career in publishing still boils down to pushing other peoples' writing instead of working on my own literary endeavors - and that idea is utterly depressing. I do not belong on the business side of literature.

Sincerely,
Maria Rubio

Intern for Putnam & Riverhead
Fall 2007