Someday soon...

I'll think back on this period of my life, shrug my shoulders, and smile broadly. "That was real living," I'll laugh. "Real life happened right then and there."

Sometimes, everything I wanna say comes out in emails...

Message to a friend, sent a few minutes ago:

things are going fabulous on my end, mama. and by "fabulous," I basically mean I'm making a lotta conclusions & decisions & moves that I shoulda made yeeeeaars ago. LOL this has to do with school, with my family, with relationships, with friendships... I'm coming to grips with the reality of things: how they are and how I want them to be aren't sympatico - but that's okay cuz they're in a good enough place to get me where I wanna be. I'm tryna make some "takin over the world" kinda moves, with big money and lots of respect and none of the status (thass just how I do - don't need everyone knowing what kinda big moves I make; I'd rather see how they'd treat me if I were like everyone else). I guess it boils down to the fact that there are people who weigh me down by being themselves, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and I can no longer be the nice person to be like "sure, you hold me back, but I love you and I'll let you continue to bring me down. matter fact, I'll enable you to pull some straight BS on me." I ain't masochistic like that... at least, not anymore.

anywhos, that's me in a nutshell right therr. LOL how are things with school going? you need an extra client any time soon? I'd letcha practice whatever you haven't had a chance to do yet!

XO-M

On Solid Ice

Yesterday, IF woke me up at 8 a.m. with a phone call.

"Yeah?" I said, groggy and worried that there was an emergency. "What's up?"

"You sleeping?"

"Uh-yeah," I said, a bit incredulous.

"I thought you were awake."

I blinked a little bit, and squinted at the clock. "Why did you think I was awake?"

"Cuz you posted a blog at five in the morning."

I couldn't help but laugh. "What are you doing reading my blog at five in the morning?!"

"I can't sleep," he said, wistfully. "I got things on my mind."

So we talked for a little bit about the things on IF's mind: his girlfriend's Christmas present, his lack of a job, his need to "grow up." Honestly, at that hour, after having had only two hours of sleep, he did all the talking. I barely stayed awake.

Even though I was due in Chinatown for an 11:15 brunch, and I still hadn't showered, I decided to sleep for a couple of minutes - and woke up at 10:30. DC had called me while I was asleep. So had Rob. I woke up with a jolt, put on whatever was on the floor, brushed my teeth, tied my hair back, and ran out of the house. When I got to the train platform, I called Rob to see if he'd waken up on time for his final; thankfully, he had. I told him to call me when his exam was over. The next time the train was above ground, I called DC and talked about her "chocolate wonder boyfriend."

The brunch was almost depressing. A bunch of the past and present staff writers for the Kingsman had gathered with the paper's two professorial advisors. The former editors talked about their present journalistic ventures, and I just listened and ate my food. Talking with everyone reaffirmed my idea that I had been on track to something real and definite. If I'd have kept on writing for different publications and doing literary internships, I could've definitely landed a job in publishing or journalism; maybe there's still a chance, if I decide to fall back on my experiences - but I'm doubtful that'll come to pass.

Even though I'm pretty certain where my future lies, I like to see what could've been. It's always bittersweet to see the remants of a future that never was: like seeing a former lover, it's useless and natural to imagine what-if scenarios, even if you were the one who decided to walk away.

So LA and AS and SH talked about the ups and downs of journalism and looking for a job in the field, and Profs. M & M offered guidance and support. I ate my beef chow mein and drank my tea earnestly. For most of our 10+ party, there wasn't much to talk about but office gossip, i.e., who'd slept with whom, who had cursed out a professor, etc. It was amusing, but not substantial. I was thankful that the food was cheap.

The main reason I showed up was to see AS. AS is one of these genuinely good, talented, supportive, self-depracating people who doesn't realize just how wonderful and beautiful and amazing they are. She's moved to PA with her boyfriend, so I don't see her as often as I'd like, and every time I say I'll call her (there have only been two times), I end up sexing it up till I'm too tired to move, and don't make it to the phone.

So brunch went well and I caught up with AS. Then I called AJ and wandered the city. I walked from Chinatown to 23rd St and 8th Ave, and on each block at least five guys tried to holla at me. Now, I gotta say, I was dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, my black leather boots, and my black leather jacket. There mighta been a bunch of booty in my jeans, but not a bit of cleavage, and no joke, my make-up was done straight-up haphazardly that morning and the beginning of a pimple was apparent above my upper lip - so I didn't see what the big deal was. At first I thought maybe it was a fluke; all girls have their days when men everywhere can't seem to get enough of them. But even after I made my way out of Chinatown, guys were still ogling me. At that point, just for fun, I started keeping score. I stopped at twenty-six. Twenty-mother-fucking-six. Now, don't get me wrong, cuz I think I'm fly, but ain't nothing special about me that twenty-six grown-ass men gotta holla at me. I hadn't even reached SoHo yet.

AJ and I talked up a storm, Rob still hadn't called me back, and it was damn near 4 in the afternon. I decided to high-tail it back to Queens, take a shower, write papers for a certain Italian-Jew professor, and sleep. So that's what I did.

Rob and I hung out with his fam for a minute this morning. Then we went to Park Slope to grab a quick breakfast, and then we wandered for a bit. He got lost driving me to Prospect Park, and we laughed till he almost got into a car accident. If there was one thing I could change about him, it might be his lack of driving skills. Dude just doesn't pay attention to the road unless he's driving my dad's SUV.

I met up with JJP, JA and LO to go ice skating at Prospect Park. I hadn't gone ice skating in yeeeeaarrss, and even then my version of it included more ice-time for my ass than my feet. I'd met JA a couple times before at school; along with JJP (who's good friends with me) she'd been one of the founding mothers of a feminist club on campus that I used to be involved with, and she's cool peoples. She had brought her boyfriend, LO, with whom she's been a serious item since the moment they started dating. It's a year or two later, and they already have a house together.

From the moment I saw LO, I knew he looked familiar. The five of us (Rob stayed for a bit) went to McDonald's, and when LO and I started talking, immediately I knew why he looked so familiar. Of course he went to Brooklyn Tech. That facebook group is true. You can't escape Tech people.

LO and I used to run in the same social circles. He even dated a homegirl of mine for two years. So of couse we talked about classmates and whatever happened to them. It felt good to have a way of "closing the circle." Sure, JJP and JA could gab and they wouldn't leave me out of things, but I was sort of afraid that I'd feel like a fourth wheel. I'd been in high school when they started the feminist group, and sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around having a good time when I'm trying to include myself in conversations that don't really concern me. Also, truth be told, I've never been fully comfortable being myself around most school people. Most of the time, I project a side of me that I feel they want to see. Most of them (with the exception of, like, three people) have never seen the ebonics-talking, crazily cursing, loud-ass chick that my close friends are privy to. Today, I let that all shine through, and it felt so awesome to be in my own skin again.

Rob went home to help his family out with Christmas decorations, LO pretty much did pirouettes around the rink, and the three of us girls slid alongside the wall of the rink without busting our asses. Even though I didn't know exactly how to do it, I fell preternaturally into the swing of things, and like most things, I have a hunch I'll only get better with time.

Just Jump

Until a couple of days ago, I was fully in touch with my artistic, introverted, over-analyzing faculties. I was writing highly cerebral work (see: Exercise of Futility), philosophizing with friends, and completely immersing myself in thought processes. Then it all took a backseat to action.

See, I have stories for days. I can tell you about my trips to the ER, how I got the scar on my leg, my many love affairs and exotic romances, fistfights that I've been in, strange jobs that I've had, run-ins with the law, sex stories that'll make you blush, misadventures to faraway places, etc. - my life runs the gambit on experience (except for drug addiction; I've dodged that bullet).

But none of it is the stuff of "real life." None of it "matters" in the conservative, everyman, survival kind of way. None of it will figure in (in an obvious manner) with the way I want my life to end up. And as much as I love my misadventures, I do eventually want to "end up" somewhere good. That is, I do want to "settle down" - not in a "settling for less" kind of way, but in a "cozy and comfortable, don't want to change anything" kind of way. I want the crazy, off-the-wall antics of wanderlusting vagabonds, but also the executive capitalistic swine's spoils. I want to amass so much knowledge and experience that I can back up any of my goals and actions, but I also want to be able to further my artistic exploits, financially & emotionally provide for a highly extensive network of extended family, and feel centered and complete. In short, I want "it all," and "it all" contains more than most people would desire.

I spent my entire adolescence battling my parents on the subject of money. A true die-hard liberal, I didn't buy in to the consumerism and capitalism of traditional varieties of "success." I adamantly proclaimed on more than one ocassion that I'd happily live in a cardboard box as long as I was constantly writing. Then my financial well-being became instrumental to the well-being of my family, and that all changed. It's one thing when the weight of that large chip on your shoulder prevents you from eating; it's an entirely new subject when that chip on your shoulder inhibits your ability to provide food for your loved ones. So money became my friend.

The fact that my family's well-being figures into my chosen capitalistic path eases my mind. Beyond the cute clothes and manicures, I still equate myself with rebellious, bohemian hippies, and I still want recognition for my artistic endeavors. I realize that most of the logic-minded, practical people who make up the higher-echelon of earners in the United States do not consider the arts vital, and that my insistence on joining their ranks as well as the ranks of best-selling writers is somewhat contradictory. However, I also realize that there are very few people who seriously seek out this kind of success. I am willing to personify a walking contradiction if that means simultaneously fulfilling my definition of "successful."

On my list of "Things to Do" are a smorgasbord of projects, such as creating a non profit organization that assists New York City families, and traveling the world. I want to learn at least four more languages, and I want my writing to find a large and appreciative audience. I want to financially take care of my family, and I want to save lives through medicine. I want to know that despite all the bad I've done, I'll leave an indelible and awesome positive imprint on the world.

And, so far, it's happening. I feel like phase one of my invention is complete. I've come into my own as a writer, and I've acquired many connections in the literary world. Now onto the next level. It's time to settle into my new role as Physicians Assistant, and make good money saving lives.