Now that I'm being a bit more pragmatic and conservative about things, life's gotten a hell of a lot more manageable. My goals are more clear, my thought processes make more sense, and things seem more cut and dry.
This sounds all well and good (especially since I was headed in a bad direction), but I've noticed that since turning over this new leaf, I haven't felt the clear high of living purely for living's sake. I haven't felt overtly joyous. My heartrate hasn't quickened at the thought of something so lovely that it hurts. For me, conservatism is the equivalent of emotional Lithium: I have put on the backburner the intensity and passion that once drove me to write a novel in a day, debate over ideals, perform on stage. And yet I don't feel the hardness of hitting rock-bottom like I used to. It's like living in constant middleground, aware that nothing and everything matters and simultaneously remains inconsequential. I am running on auto-pilot.
But I am getting a lot of work done in an efficient manner...
Is this "stage" okay only if it's temporary? Should I not care? Why can I only get things done when I am void of passion? Am I really void of passion? Or is this my subconscious way of blocking out distractions from the task at hand?
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I'm actually learning that passion hinders logical decisions and actions. That might explain our whole lives...
The question is.. perhaps our passions have simply been misplaced?
I dunno... The idea of "misplaced passion" just doesn't ring true to me. When I think of "passion," I think of uncontrollable, over-the-top urges and undeniable, manic fervor. I think of something so pure in its magnitude that it can't be qualified as good or bad. The very nature of passion is that it can't be controlled or placed where it's desired. It's its own animal.
But maybe you're right, and something's been misplaced... Attention, maybe? Respect? Like, if we respected "academics" more than we respected our artistic ideals, our lives would be different... Or if we paid more attention and invested more in ourselves than family, we'd be completely different people...
What do you think?
A part of me understands that I have to be passionate about something to place ANY kind of attention towards it. It can be applied to things like school -- I can't retain information on topics that don't interest me, which is unfortunately why math, science and social sudies got faded out by my love for English. I put a lot of passion into my family, and into fixing the problems within the household, when I know that it will be fruitless and unreciprocated.
Think about how we respect asshole teachers, because we know that they are passionate about what they do. That, in turn, allows us to be passionate about the same subject, no matter how much we hate it.
What were the things you were passionate about before? Was it all about immediate self-satisfaction?
Your post made me wonder if passion in itself was a stage we're supposed to be outgrowing.. We've always been people governed by our passions. We're also people who made a lot of wonderful, life changing mistakes.
So to answer your question.. yes, we'd be completely different people. We are writers, with a gift of perception and observation. If we never strayed from our path, distracted by a sound or a pretty color... would we have learned everything we did? Perhaps that passion was a self-defense mechanism to allow us our own identities, because if we didn't have that... we'd have nothing. Everything we did would have been for someone else. We'd be shells, Maria, and not people. Maybe that passion is our blood.
I know this does nothing to answer your question. I don't think you're void of passion.
Honey, maybe you're just learning to filter that passion differently, in a much more efficient way. We all have to take a few seconds to follow method and routine.. tying your shoelaces, for example, before you take on that path.
Wow, that response made NO sense whatsoever -- the problem with trying to funnel thoughts into english before my first cup of coffee LOL.
But I have a feeling you'd understand what I'm getting at.
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