On Solid Ice

Yesterday, IF woke me up at 8 a.m. with a phone call.

"Yeah?" I said, groggy and worried that there was an emergency. "What's up?"

"You sleeping?"

"Uh-yeah," I said, a bit incredulous.

"I thought you were awake."

I blinked a little bit, and squinted at the clock. "Why did you think I was awake?"

"Cuz you posted a blog at five in the morning."

I couldn't help but laugh. "What are you doing reading my blog at five in the morning?!"

"I can't sleep," he said, wistfully. "I got things on my mind."

So we talked for a little bit about the things on IF's mind: his girlfriend's Christmas present, his lack of a job, his need to "grow up." Honestly, at that hour, after having had only two hours of sleep, he did all the talking. I barely stayed awake.

Even though I was due in Chinatown for an 11:15 brunch, and I still hadn't showered, I decided to sleep for a couple of minutes - and woke up at 10:30. DC had called me while I was asleep. So had Rob. I woke up with a jolt, put on whatever was on the floor, brushed my teeth, tied my hair back, and ran out of the house. When I got to the train platform, I called Rob to see if he'd waken up on time for his final; thankfully, he had. I told him to call me when his exam was over. The next time the train was above ground, I called DC and talked about her "chocolate wonder boyfriend."

The brunch was almost depressing. A bunch of the past and present staff writers for the Kingsman had gathered with the paper's two professorial advisors. The former editors talked about their present journalistic ventures, and I just listened and ate my food. Talking with everyone reaffirmed my idea that I had been on track to something real and definite. If I'd have kept on writing for different publications and doing literary internships, I could've definitely landed a job in publishing or journalism; maybe there's still a chance, if I decide to fall back on my experiences - but I'm doubtful that'll come to pass.

Even though I'm pretty certain where my future lies, I like to see what could've been. It's always bittersweet to see the remants of a future that never was: like seeing a former lover, it's useless and natural to imagine what-if scenarios, even if you were the one who decided to walk away.

So LA and AS and SH talked about the ups and downs of journalism and looking for a job in the field, and Profs. M & M offered guidance and support. I ate my beef chow mein and drank my tea earnestly. For most of our 10+ party, there wasn't much to talk about but office gossip, i.e., who'd slept with whom, who had cursed out a professor, etc. It was amusing, but not substantial. I was thankful that the food was cheap.

The main reason I showed up was to see AS. AS is one of these genuinely good, talented, supportive, self-depracating people who doesn't realize just how wonderful and beautiful and amazing they are. She's moved to PA with her boyfriend, so I don't see her as often as I'd like, and every time I say I'll call her (there have only been two times), I end up sexing it up till I'm too tired to move, and don't make it to the phone.

So brunch went well and I caught up with AS. Then I called AJ and wandered the city. I walked from Chinatown to 23rd St and 8th Ave, and on each block at least five guys tried to holla at me. Now, I gotta say, I was dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, my black leather boots, and my black leather jacket. There mighta been a bunch of booty in my jeans, but not a bit of cleavage, and no joke, my make-up was done straight-up haphazardly that morning and the beginning of a pimple was apparent above my upper lip - so I didn't see what the big deal was. At first I thought maybe it was a fluke; all girls have their days when men everywhere can't seem to get enough of them. But even after I made my way out of Chinatown, guys were still ogling me. At that point, just for fun, I started keeping score. I stopped at twenty-six. Twenty-mother-fucking-six. Now, don't get me wrong, cuz I think I'm fly, but ain't nothing special about me that twenty-six grown-ass men gotta holla at me. I hadn't even reached SoHo yet.

AJ and I talked up a storm, Rob still hadn't called me back, and it was damn near 4 in the afternon. I decided to high-tail it back to Queens, take a shower, write papers for a certain Italian-Jew professor, and sleep. So that's what I did.

Rob and I hung out with his fam for a minute this morning. Then we went to Park Slope to grab a quick breakfast, and then we wandered for a bit. He got lost driving me to Prospect Park, and we laughed till he almost got into a car accident. If there was one thing I could change about him, it might be his lack of driving skills. Dude just doesn't pay attention to the road unless he's driving my dad's SUV.

I met up with JJP, JA and LO to go ice skating at Prospect Park. I hadn't gone ice skating in yeeeeaarrss, and even then my version of it included more ice-time for my ass than my feet. I'd met JA a couple times before at school; along with JJP (who's good friends with me) she'd been one of the founding mothers of a feminist club on campus that I used to be involved with, and she's cool peoples. She had brought her boyfriend, LO, with whom she's been a serious item since the moment they started dating. It's a year or two later, and they already have a house together.

From the moment I saw LO, I knew he looked familiar. The five of us (Rob stayed for a bit) went to McDonald's, and when LO and I started talking, immediately I knew why he looked so familiar. Of course he went to Brooklyn Tech. That facebook group is true. You can't escape Tech people.

LO and I used to run in the same social circles. He even dated a homegirl of mine for two years. So of couse we talked about classmates and whatever happened to them. It felt good to have a way of "closing the circle." Sure, JJP and JA could gab and they wouldn't leave me out of things, but I was sort of afraid that I'd feel like a fourth wheel. I'd been in high school when they started the feminist group, and sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around having a good time when I'm trying to include myself in conversations that don't really concern me. Also, truth be told, I've never been fully comfortable being myself around most school people. Most of the time, I project a side of me that I feel they want to see. Most of them (with the exception of, like, three people) have never seen the ebonics-talking, crazily cursing, loud-ass chick that my close friends are privy to. Today, I let that all shine through, and it felt so awesome to be in my own skin again.

Rob went home to help his family out with Christmas decorations, LO pretty much did pirouettes around the rink, and the three of us girls slid alongside the wall of the rink without busting our asses. Even though I didn't know exactly how to do it, I fell preternaturally into the swing of things, and like most things, I have a hunch I'll only get better with time.