"I don't think it was jealousy," MG said to me. "I just felt like that should've been me. I should've been the one graduating from law school and making $125,000 during my first year as a lawyer."
I laughed with MG, aware that her self-depracating tone was as much mockery as it was truth. From the moment I met her in the Fall of 1998, the one thing I knew about MG was that she wanted to be a lawyer. In high school, she had joined the debate team, won trophies for her arguments, and had even earned the role of co-captain for the team. As time went by, her experiences refined her path and identity, and she became more and more involved with politics and altruism. She was convinced of her lawyerly ambitions, and every chance she got, she pulled me into whatever she was working on. Luckily for me, my path constantly merged with MG's; she shaped my political awareness and altruism more than anyone I've known.
When MG decided against the big bucks of corporate law in favor of the work-for-the-little-guy feel of nonprofit law, it was only another hint at her awesome humanitarianism. "I've been poor my whole life," she jokingly said to me. "There's no use in changing that now." And maybe that's why she was the root of my civic-mindedness. It was MG who introduced me to NYPIRG; MG who came up with the idea of OICE; MG who championed all of my endeavors, despite the craziness or abdurdity with which others labeled them. More than that, it was MG whose heartstrings were tugged by the pain of women who had stories of neglect and abuse. She was undeniably human in her sympathies, but also completely humane - a characteristic not attributed to most people. In her was the rationality behind lofty ideals, a dissonant yin and yang that made her more relatable.
Whenever I've felt like my moral compass might slip, it's MG I call to keep me steady. I think of her a lot these days, as I prepare for my life in the Philippines. Although her altruism is undoubtedly intact and she remains a steadfast supporter of women's rights, religious charity, and the next generation of do-gooders (among other worthwhile aims), she has put her legal goals on the backburner. MG's path has gone in an entirely new direction, and she is now in an amazing corporate communications graduate program'; she will no doubt be earning a good wage in the near future.
I laughed with MG, aware that her self-depracating tone was as much mockery as it was truth. From the moment I met her in the Fall of 1998, the one thing I knew about MG was that she wanted to be a lawyer. In high school, she had joined the debate team, won trophies for her arguments, and had even earned the role of co-captain for the team. As time went by, her experiences refined her path and identity, and she became more and more involved with politics and altruism. She was convinced of her lawyerly ambitions, and every chance she got, she pulled me into whatever she was working on. Luckily for me, my path constantly merged with MG's; she shaped my political awareness and altruism more than anyone I've known.
When MG decided against the big bucks of corporate law in favor of the work-for-the-little-guy feel of nonprofit law, it was only another hint at her awesome humanitarianism. "I've been poor my whole life," she jokingly said to me. "There's no use in changing that now." And maybe that's why she was the root of my civic-mindedness. It was MG who introduced me to NYPIRG; MG who came up with the idea of OICE; MG who championed all of my endeavors, despite the craziness or abdurdity with which others labeled them. More than that, it was MG whose heartstrings were tugged by the pain of women who had stories of neglect and abuse. She was undeniably human in her sympathies, but also completely humane - a characteristic not attributed to most people. In her was the rationality behind lofty ideals, a dissonant yin and yang that made her more relatable.
Whenever I've felt like my moral compass might slip, it's MG I call to keep me steady. I think of her a lot these days, as I prepare for my life in the Philippines. Although her altruism is undoubtedly intact and she remains a steadfast supporter of women's rights, religious charity, and the next generation of do-gooders (among other worthwhile aims), she has put her legal goals on the backburner. MG's path has gone in an entirely new direction, and she is now in an amazing corporate communications graduate program'; she will no doubt be earning a good wage in the near future.
***
It's four in the morning and I can't sleep. The roads are too slippery for me to drive, and I don't feel like busting my ass on the ice. I'm editing my latest story and realizing that a lot of it is probably crap. The thing is, I'm proud of it. In it I admit jealousy and pettiness and a slew of other emotions that I am only capable of feeling until they are put into words. After they're released on the page, I can get back to being the boring and decent individual that I attempt to be; those are the people that seem normal, and these days, I crave normality.
I spent the last two hours ironing clothes. I felt like it would dull my mind and make me sleep, but the repetitive action only let my mind wander aimlessly. I daydreamed about the next five years of my life: earning a physician's assistance degree while soaking in tropical sun, bonding with my extended family, indulging my maternal side by playing house with all of my cousins' kids, expanding young minds and building their characters, learning my heritage up close and personal, finding the time and relaxation to write, being less westernized and urban, fulfilling my desire to learn my parents' native language; then, coming back to the States, earning a good wage, going back to school in order to earn the long list of degrees that I want, reestablishing myself with the literary connections that I've made, fixing up and adding to my house, setting my folks up for "early retirement" so they can live it up in the Philippines while they're still healthy enough to enjoy it, renting out rooms in my house to my friends/fellow bohemian types, buying more property, living the dream.
It all feels so tangible and within my grasp, and for the first time in my life I'm not intimidated by this fact. I want it and I'm not afraid to admit that I want it. I'm painfully aware that Murphy's Law loves me, but I don't care. I'm gonna make it.
***
When I tell people that I'm going overseas, I cite various reasons. The one fact that sticks out, though, is that I'm the first-born child of immigrants who have never gotten their heads out of the clouds. Perhaps that's why I'm as "innocent" as I am, and still have wonder in my eyes and hope in my soul - but it's also why I have to be the one to handle the family finances. Much to the detriment of our collective economic status, my parents have never understood the meaning of "living within one's means." Perhaps it was guilt, or lack of planning, or just plain ignorance, but both of my parents act as if we were the sole owners of a bottomless pit of cash.
Now that they're facing their second bankruptcy, their assets are in danger of being repossessed, and the house is in constant danger of being foreclosed, I must push my altruistic-idealistic-romantic notions of finding an occupation which speaks to my soul - writing, teaching, nonprofit work, etc. - in order to make a living doing something that earns lots of money. And even though I'm doing it for my family, a part of me wants to give it up. Like KC said a few weeks ago, "There comes a point when you have to stop blaming your family for your craziness, and become your own person."
This resolve to earn a physician's assistance degree and make money is exactly that. I feel like it's my chance to give up the craziness that is my family's neediness; ironically, I must do that by first fully giving in to it.
And maybe that's why I'm thinking so much of MG these days. To the untrained eye it might appear as though she's giving up on her lawyerly goals and her liberal ideals, but that's simply not the case. In order to fulfill her own desires, she must first indulge her pragmatic consciousness, which demands that she be financially supported before she can resume her course. I've only got this one life to learn from, but this much I've realized: people who are true to themselves don't have misplaced energies. Their lives usually follow this pattern: Step 1: let your passion dictate what you want to learn. Step 2: Give yourself the means to live comfortably. Step 3: enjoy the hell out of the experiences you want to make your life about.
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