More of the Same

I'm soooo stressed right now with classes. I feel like I'm a good student who just can't catch a break. I shoulda known better than to take classes with a professor who runs hot and cold on me, but I figured I needed the classes to graduate so I'd do it. I was doing well, coming to class every week, but finances at home are really bad, so I was having a hard time keeping up with the classwork. At one point, I worked 60+ hours a week just to help out at home, and I'm sure if I was still going to my shrink, she'd say I was in need of anxiety/depression meds. I lost 14 lbs. in 2 weeks. I couldn't concentrate. I wasn't sleeping. I figured, I'd keep on going to class, explain my situation to the professor, and hand in my papers asap.

Then, a few weeks ago, he screamed on me. Like, SERIOUSLY, veins-popping-from-his neck, spit on my face, his face deep crimson, military-style, screamed on me. He made an example out of me in front of the class, for what he was capable of if a student wasn't handing in their work on-time. And something broke in me. The frustration of my situation was all I could take, and I couldn't handle the added stress caused by a professor screaming on me. Call me sensitive, but I need to be treated with a certain amount of understanding and respect - especially when my world is fall around my ears and I'm struggling.

The next week, I handed in some of my work, but he seemed dismissive of me. I didn't know what else to do. It took so much energy just to reach out to him and let him know that I'm still doing my work and that I really am trying to keep up, and his reaction was the equivalent of a shrug of the shoulders. No words of encouragement, no attempt at figuring out a Plan B. I stopped attending class.

I stopped going to my Penguin internship in order to free up some time for academics. I've been giving myself a lot more time to relax during the past couple of days. I'm becoming more focused and more driven. All I can think of doing is handing in my papers, coming to class, explaining myself to the professor, and hoping for the best. The truth is, though, in a lot of ways, I need a break from life. The past month has been hell for me. I'm talking about insomnia-and-indigestion-inducing, can't-even-afford-to-buy-a-turkey-for-Thanksgiving, my-parents-calling-me-worthless-cuz-I-can't-earn-enough-for-the-family-despite-the-fact-that-I'm-working-around-the-clock, eyes-swollen-shut-from-crying-so-much HELL.

Which is why I'm leaving. I can never fully extract myself from my family because our relationship is symbiotic, and despite all the crap they put me through, I love them. I need to make cash asap, and I need to be done with school. Only, I know what the job market's like, and I know I won't be able to earn much more than I'm currently earning after I get my English/Philosophy degree. So I've decided to go to the Philippines (where my baby brother's going to school), take up my uncle's offer to teach English in an orphanage in his district (he's a councilman), and earn a BS in physicians assistance (in a US-accredited program). It should take less than 3 years to complete, and during that time, an affluent friend of mine has agreed to loan me cash to help my family. After I earn my degree (which will cost a combined 3-year total of about $1500), I'll have good earning potential, so I can pay him back. And in the process, I get to take a break from the stress of NY living.

So that's my plan. At first, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders simply because I figured out a plan. Now another weight (just as heavy) has replaced it; I need to make it happen. I need to pass my classes this semester, transfer my credits to the Philippines, and continue with life. If I don't pass my classes, the whole plan goes down the toilet and I'm not sure what to do next. I just know that I was very close to going crazy. The way I was going, with my frustration at its boiling point and suicidal/homocidal thoughts circling my brain, it was only a matter of time before I did something crazy. For the time being, I've been given some hope. I have a plan and I'm doing what I have to do to get by. I just hope all goes well. I don't know how I would react to more disappointment. I'm gonna get to work. I'll talk to you soon. I hope things are going well with you.

Love,Maria

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ??? Date: 01 Dec 2007, 08:49

Leaving the country in a few months??? Yes, we DO need to update each other!!