Today's Word is "Confidence"

I keep meaning to write something substantial up here, but I'm stopped by the sensation that some living is meant for the memorialization of fictionalization - and not memoir.

Instead of diving deep into the drama (which I often do), I'm gonna keep it short and sweet: a synopsis of all that I've been up to. And, along the way, I'll start naming people, since I'm kinda getting tired of using initials.

1) Getting my swerve on whenever I get the chance. It's scary how naturally this comes to me. One second, I'll be dancing on a table, the next I'll be fucking a guy in a public restroom - and none of it fazes me anymore. I find these sexcapades so passe that I don't even bother mentioning them in person. I mean, yeah, sex is great, but it's only sex. If it's really that interesting to you, you're probably not doing it enough and/or don't have much of a life.

This is probably why I shrug off all sexual advances - and I've been getting a lot of them lately. Aside from the daily barrages of boys, girls, men, and women who bask in my beauty and ask to get a taste, there's been an onslaught of dudes that happen to have remembered me in the past six months. Maybe it's cuz they caught wind about my leaving the country, or maybe Asian women are in season - but accountants, rappers, drug dealers, models, actors, DJs, MCs, doctors, financial analysts, stock brokers, students, wanna-be film makers, etc. are flooding my cell phone. And I really couldn't care less.

2) Realizing that some friends truly are family - but that doesn't mean they know me and/or we vibe 24/7. There are moments when I'll be hanging out with someone and we are undoubtedly tuned in to the same frequency of life and understanding. We can expound on each others' thoughts and assist each other in broadening our mutual horizons. We realize that we have similar passions, interests and priorities, and feel less alone in the world. We develop respect for each others' thoughts and ideas. More and more, the people with whom I have these attachments and relationships are people that I haven't known all that long. They're people that I happen upon by circumstance and intuition, and they are on similar paths as myself. I look to these people for guidance, instruction, and assistance in the difficulties of my adulthood. For these reasons, these people should rightfully be called my "best friends" - but they're not.

I call Dallas, Yvonne, and Ariane my best friends. Not because we have common interests or because they understand me the best (truth be told, there are times when I feel like we don't know each other at all), but because we have a history together and I know that when push comes to shove, they'll help bury a body at a moment's notice and the only question they'll ask is, "What story do I have to tell the authorities?"

I mentioned this to Tori today as she was helping me sort out my finances, and she said, "Seriously? That's your criteria for calling someone your best friend?"

"Sure," I said. "We love each other unconditinally, and we're there for each other no matter what."

After laughing at how redundant I sounded, Tori sucked on her teeth. "I'm willing to fork over a couple thousand dollars to help you pay your mortgage," she reminded me, "no questions asked. Your writer friends help engage your imagination and your passion - and don't have ill will towards your success, which is very hard. Your activist friends heighten your awareness and your hope - all while entertaining your monthly bouts of depression and cynicism. I can name off the top of my head people who would take a bullet for you, if it came down to that - and all you have is 'they're willing to dump a body and corroborate a story to the cops'? If that's the case, you have a lot more best friends than you realize."

Later on in the conversation, as I was crying on the phone and talking about my family's financial crisis, Tori made an observation that frightens and validates me and my feelings. "You say that you couldn't leave your family because when push comes to shove, they're there for you - and you think you need that, even if sometimes you question their worth. Maybe that's what your best friends are: your family."

3) No matter how far I stray from the path I feel I should be on, sooner or later, I always find my way. For the past few months, I haven't felt like myself. I was taking in all of my acquired life experience and academic knowledge. I was steeping in feelings and options. I was growing up and growing out of the person I used to be, and in that process, I was afraid that people wouldn't understand me or like me. I was afraid that I'd be labeled by some people as "corny" or "lame." I was embarassed and frightened that I'd no longer be the crazy, loud, show-stopping diva that people had become accustomed to.

And then, one day, I was Me.

I really couldn't care less what you think of Me.

4) I really like the structure brought to my life by working all the time, etc. I'm getting back in the grind, writing, performing, teaching, looking for another source of steady income, etc. I'm more invested now in my life than ever before. I have a sense of self that's unparalleled. I'm crazy comfortable in my skin and able to take responsibility for my life and everything it entails. Things are so clear to me now: who I am, what I want, what I need. This faith in myself is absolutely intoxicating. I wake up and feel like I have purpose. I deal with situations with ease and understanding. I write and learn and read and teach and feel a part of everything.

Even after being diagnosed for cervical cancer and coming through that alive, I didn't feel such an overwhelming sense of resolve and hope. These days, I'm filled with confidence and appreciation for everything that I have and encounter. More than that...

5) I'm done with fear. They say there's nothing to fear but fear itself. I feel like I've been afraid of everything: Rocking the boat. Not rocking the boat. Not living up to my parents' expectations. Only living up to my parents' expectations. Making too much money. Not making enough money.

I've always been extremely aware of myself and my place in the greater scheme of things. I'm not one to overdo or underdo. I've strived to strike the right balance in everything, and make a positive impact on as much as possible.

But there's a downside in keeping such a keen eye on yourself: you forget to just Be. So that's what I'm doing now: just being, and knowing that I'm inclined to fulfill wonderful and extraordinary feats. In the face of the impending storm of family drama, financial drama, etc., I feel good. Really, really good.