Somewhere along the line, I was fully-formed, an abstract of everything and nothing all rolled into one. His role was defined as "part of the whole." Between us, we were complete and empty, and I decided I wanted more.
When I was in junior high, my friends and I were taken with the concept of "The Craft." We felt like that could be us: four misfit teenage girls with exceptional magical powers. Of course, our powers were over the realm of sexuality, popularity and academics - but we imagined that our moods and words dictated the currents of air and consciousness. We could make things happen.
These days, global warming is in full effect, my friends and I are scattered petals in the wind, and I am feeling lost. I know what plagues me and I know what people say I should do to fix my problems - but I'm stuck. I don't want to take the advice of others. I don't want it to be that easy. My decision (no matter how hard it is) will be my own. I don't want to be able to blame anyone for the outcome of my life.
For the longest time, I was stuck in a vacuum of adolescence. I didn't bother to learn how to take pride in my work, and I sure as hell didn't learn how to commit to anything. I was a flake and a fraud, always too afraid to define myself as something.
But what's done is done, and that past isn't far enough in the past to fully digest and expound upon. All I know is, when I look back on it all, I blame (along with myself) my parents. There was so much that they taught me unwittingly, to my detriment. There was so much that they didn't teach me, to my detriment. There were so many gaps in the road that I wish they'd have paved over before I came along. And there was always a reason that I had to "come to their rescue."
But no one is perfect and parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. My family is a burden and a gift, and loving them is something I do out of obligation and responsibility.
Now I'm older and have taken full responsibility for the crappiness and loveliness of all that I am and all that I have - but I feel like I can't fully become the person I'm supposed to be - and again, I blame my parents.
I wish I could just go, balls out to the wind, writing to my heart's content, finding a living as a teacher or at a desk job. I'd find a place that's comfortable, make enough money to get by, and keep my nose to the grind. Instead, Right now, I can't write or speak eloquently. My usual insightful banter is lost and my tongue is dry. I am too afraid to get it all back. I'm afraid because the person that I am is not conducive to being the person that I have to be. The person that I am is hard and brash, sharp along the edges, creative and undisciplined. The person that I have to be is disciplined and orderly, a type-A personality that memorizes long passages of scientific lecture.
*****
When I was in junior high, my friends and I were taken with the concept of "The Craft." We felt like that could be us: four misfit teenage girls with exceptional magical powers. Of course, our powers were over the realm of sexuality, popularity and academics - but we imagined that our moods and words dictated the currents of air and consciousness. We could make things happen.
These days, global warming is in full effect, my friends and I are scattered petals in the wind, and I am feeling lost. I know what plagues me and I know what people say I should do to fix my problems - but I'm stuck. I don't want to take the advice of others. I don't want it to be that easy. My decision (no matter how hard it is) will be my own. I don't want to be able to blame anyone for the outcome of my life.
*****
For the longest time, I was stuck in a vacuum of adolescence. I didn't bother to learn how to take pride in my work, and I sure as hell didn't learn how to commit to anything. I was a flake and a fraud, always too afraid to define myself as something.
But what's done is done, and that past isn't far enough in the past to fully digest and expound upon. All I know is, when I look back on it all, I blame (along with myself) my parents. There was so much that they taught me unwittingly, to my detriment. There was so much that they didn't teach me, to my detriment. There were so many gaps in the road that I wish they'd have paved over before I came along. And there was always a reason that I had to "come to their rescue."
But no one is perfect and parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. My family is a burden and a gift, and loving them is something I do out of obligation and responsibility.
Now I'm older and have taken full responsibility for the crappiness and loveliness of all that I am and all that I have - but I feel like I can't fully become the person I'm supposed to be - and again, I blame my parents.
I wish I could just go, balls out to the wind, writing to my heart's content, finding a living as a teacher or at a desk job. I'd find a place that's comfortable, make enough money to get by, and keep my nose to the grind. Instead, Right now, I can't write or speak eloquently. My usual insightful banter is lost and my tongue is dry. I am too afraid to get it all back. I'm afraid because the person that I am is not conducive to being the person that I have to be. The person that I am is hard and brash, sharp along the edges, creative and undisciplined. The person that I have to be is disciplined and orderly, a type-A personality that memorizes long passages of scientific lecture.
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