Gratuity Not Included

Gratuitous: adj.

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Given without an equivalent or recompense; conferred without valuable consideration; granted without pay, or without claim or merit; not required by justice.

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Not called for by the circumstances; without reason, cause, or proof; adopted or asserted without any good ground; as, a gratuitous assumption.

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gra·tu·ity
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural gra·tu·ities
Date: 1540
: something given voluntarily or beyond obligation usually for some service; especially : tip

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We've all heard the term "gratuitous sex." Lately, I feel like it's the only kind I've been having - and to be perfectly honest, that's the way I want it. I know that I've been heeing and hawing about leaving the safe and satisfying realm of "making love," but times they are a' changin. The past several years have been full of back-to-back serious relationships, and I've realized that I'm not about to fall in love with anyone, so I might as well stop wasting my time finding someone to make love to.

For a split second, I seriously considered celibacy. I thought about self-respect and the daunting task of putting myself out in the dating world again. I thought about my self-image and the effort to make a relationship successful. And then I realized I was putting too much thought into it. Dating doesn't have to be a stepping stone to anything serious, and sex can be fun without overcomplicating my life. Why make dating and sex such loaded issues? Why not dive into life and see what I come up with?

So that's what I've been doing the past couple of weeks, and lo and behold, I came up with something unexpected: I enjoy dating women.

To be frank, I've had sex with women before. It was during my teenage phase of discovery, when homosexuality was the hot topic and being gay automatically made you that much closer to cool. All of the girls I slept with during this time were aggressors, and though I found all of them extremely attractive, I was only attracted to a handful of them. I figured sex with a woman was a contemporary New York City girl's rite of passage just like going to Planned Parenthood or having an abortion. (Place tongue in cheek here.) It was taboo and considered sinful, but ultimately not worth much thought. I had youth on my side; fucking up was part of the package, just like olives are part of a Greek salad. If you decide you only wanted feta cheese... Well, you get the idea. Nothing is permanent and all that. The point is, though I've had sex with women before, I've never dated one. Until now. And I'm dating two women. Talk about jumping to the head of the class!

So now it's a week till Valentine's Day, Rob claims to have planned an extravagant date for us, and the two women I'm seeing, Pammy and Sweetie* (she asked that I try not to blog about her), are turning out to be amazing people. In fact, all three of them are turning out to be wonderful in different ways, and each of them have broached the subject of our relationship with impending concern: Are we anywhere close to monogamy?

The truth is, No. I'm nowhere close to being monogamous with ANYONE. I don't enjoy the thrill of the chase as much as I did when I was younger, but I definitely like getting to the "comfortable" but still "tingly" stage of a relationship, when no one has to tiptoe around information and everyone can relax around each other. I'm learning that with women, this stage happens earlier in the relationship, and I'm realizing that this is where I'm most comfortable: when we haven't been together so long that we can anticipate what each other is going to say, but we haven't been together for so short a period that our conversations and actions are awkward. This is bliss.

I realized that I treat Rob, Pammy, and Sweetie all differently when it comes to telling them that exclusivity is out of the question - and they all react differently. I tell Rob (who is three years older than me and hustles to make money) CONSTANTLY that I want to see other people and that I'm only seeing him because, 1) Yes, I love him, and 2) I love what he does to my body (most of the time); he works around the clock to pay as many of my bills as he can. I tell Pammy (who is four years older than me and a CPA for the government) that I enjoy our time together but that I haven't put any thought into whether or not she and/or lesbian relationships are merely a detour in my life; she awkwardly brushes off my straight-forwardness and becomes detached in a way that hints she might really like me. I hint to Sweetie (who is my age and has a mid-salary corporate job) that I'm seeing other people, and she laughs at me, we have a two second conversation about whether I'm playing or not (I always say, "Wish I was, but I'm a rolling stone" - a reference to Bob Dylan) and then we resume whatever we're doing. Each of the people I'm seeing are attractive smart, successful, funny... okay, some more than others, but yeah: they're all good catches. And generous! I hardly have to pick up a tab or make a grand gesture, although I do so all the time out of pride and because I'm not a complete bitch.

But what can they see in me? Why would anyone want to attach themselves to someone who so blatantly and constantly reenforces the fact that we're going nowhere as a couple, while they're looking for something more permanent?

One thing's for certain: Karma's a bitch. When I start looking to settle down, I bet there'll be tumbleweeds blowing in my dating itinerary.