Things I Haven't Quite Gotten Around to Acquiring

NOTE: I keep on crossing stuff off this list.

1) iPod - I've had two: the first one got its wiring all fucked up after my dog decided to pee on it while it was charging; the second one was lost. I seriously have NO CLUE where it went. Last I remember, it was in my car. Next thing I know, it's gone.

Rob's promised to buy me one. First, it was supposed to be my birthday present, then my bon voyage present, then our anniversary present, then my Christmas present. Now it's my Valentine's Day present. I guess I'll cross it off the list when I get it...

2) My Own Place - Lately, I've been having crazy issues with my folks. It's gotten to the point that they just sound plain asinine (LOL, inside joke) about their drama. And don't get me wrong: I'm usually the first person to enable their bad habits. I'll console them and awkwardly remain silent after they've blatantly dismissed my advice. I'll chalk up their actions to ignorance, and therefore find the strength to fix their problems. I'll give them the money to pay their bills, miss class to wipe their tears, put my life on hold to chauffeur them around.

But no more.

Recently I found out that the mortgage on our house hasn't been paid in three months - even though I've been giving money for it. Somewhere between handing my folks the cash and/or check, and needing to actually pay the mortgage, said money disappeared. Repeatedly. The reasons I've been given are cryptic at best and straight-up lies at worst.

That's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the drama in my house, and seriously, I've had it. What's the use of sticking around to help out when no one wants to listen to my advice? I need to find a job and bounce.

3) Contemporary Ghetto/Slang Vernaculary - I swear I used to have this. I swear. You can ask my friends from back in the day. Ask my brother. My ghetto twang was straight hood. My vocabulary reflected my genuine immersion in minority culture.

And then somewhere along the line, I stopped hanging out on the regular with people who parroted the slang back to me, and I lost the familiar street cadence and contemporary vocabulary. My quick wit at street words were lost due to a lack of use. I stopped using the N word - a bomb I used to drop all the time, and that I wish to never drop again.

Recently, I've started hanging out with Dallas, Ariane & Yvonne (DAY) all the time and I've realized how much I miss that fast-talking, crazy ebonics side of me. I think I'll look for her. She's fun.

4) Full and Utter Appreciation for My BFFs - Those of you who have kept up with my blog know that I don't usually have stellar words to use for my close friends. Maybe it's a defense mechanism or simply because I'm a bitch, but I find fault in DAY ALL THE TIME.

If I went through all the reasons behind this, this entry would be the size of War & Peace, so I'll just say this: I am sooooooo very fortunate to have such amazing and wonderful women as best friends. They fuck with me even after I've repeatedly shown my stupid, ignorant, hard-to-please sides, and for that I love them eternally.

5) The Love of High Heels & Other Uncomfortable Fashion Choices - You know those patent leather and/or leather five or six inch stilletto boots - usually black - that street walkers are often seen in? Yeah, that's right: "hooker boots."

Well, I'm certain that I helped usher them into the fashion lexicon. I swear. I was twelve years old and rocking them ALL THE TIME. Don't ask me why no one laughed at me or told me they were inappropriate. I was a shoe whore who rocked whatever showed off my gams best.

When it came to clothes, I was always a diva-in-training, looking fly in whatever I found on sale - even if the pants cut off my circulation or the shirt made it hard for me to breathe.

Those days are over. I'm just way too comfortable in my self to purposely make myself uncomfortable. What's the use? I know I'm fly.

6) Sufficient Academic Education - I want to learn everything. I want to be able to talk about physics, nature, writing, political systems in Iceland, drug epidemics within the nomads of the Sahara, the latest archaeological finds in Peru. Everything. This is probably why I read so much.

But there's something to be said for being in a formal setting, conversing with peers, establishing active communication with people who are the leaders in their field, practicing real-world applications of theories. Those are things that are guided and nurtured by the academic world, and I crave them. I want them. I don't think I'll ever get enough of them.

In the meantime, my rigorous exercises of internet perusal will suffice.

7) A Mature Sense of Duty* - I put an asterisk on this because I feel like I might actually have acquired this in the past couple of weeks. I don't think it's one of those things that someone automatically knows they have. I think you kind of ease into discipline and realize that you have set for yourself a code by which to live.

That's how I am.

I know now without a doubt that I have integrity and real character. I know that I'm a good person with real plans and responsibilities. I know that I want to fulfill something with my life, and that it is my duty to do so...

Hmm... Maybe I should just straight-up cross this one out?

8) The Ability to "Be With Someone Else" - Sunday morning, on the train with Dallas, Ariane and Danielle. Dallas and Danielle are sleeping. Ariane and I are talking about relationships. This is a very common thing for people to speak on, sure. But I see things in very black and white when it comes to being with a person for the long haul, and this always makes me the minority within our foursome. My way of figuring out if someone's "It" for me is as follows: Do I know that I wanna make a life with you? No? MmKBye. Done.

It sounds childish putting it this way, but I honestly believe that there is someone out there who either encompasses what I'm looking for in a mate, or who is so close to it that I can't help but fall for them. I've been with guys who are really close to my ideal, and that just furthers my idea that my romantic notions are worthwhile and accurate.

Ariane and I were talking about her inability to want to settle down with her fiance, and when the conversation turned to me I said simply, "It's no use for me to find The One right now. I'm just not ready." And that's the truth: I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and I know I can't Be With Someone if I don't know how to Be Myself first. There's no rush on this. I'm actually having a lot of fun making/acquiring my sense of self.

9) Realist-Mentality Pessimism - This is another thing that I'm grateful I haven't acquired. I'm the hopeful romantic who will ride the train for two hours to "teach" young minds without getting paid. I'm the chick who will wait for the right person before making plans to settle down. I'm the perceptive idealist who will stand in a train station at two a.m., listening to the guitar player break down song after song after song with a smile on his face then give him my last two dollars because Fuck it, he's got talent and a dream and I appreciate that.

10) A Right/Quick Brain/Tongue - This kind of goes with #4. I noticed lately that I had become so much of a voyeur that I wasn't able to formulate any verbal response in a timely fashion. Sure, words would get articulated into ink when I got home, but at the moment things were happening, I was so immersed in watching it all go down that I didn't get to add to it.

I used to be really quick with statements, and realized that I hurt a lot of feelings by being brash and bold. I took it upon myself to slow down my thinking process in order to disable my mean streak, and now that I have more control over myself and my actions I want to recapture the ability to speak on things in an accurate, observant, and smart way at the moment it occurs.

11) Steady Writing Gigs That Make Me Proud - I used to have them, but most of them were of the sexual variety of writing. Don't get me wrong. That's awesome and I appreciate being given sex toy after sex toy in order to write articles on them. But geez. Talk about lack of diversity?! I want to show off my multi-faceted personality and expertise through steady writing gigs.

12) A Passport Full of Stamps - As proof that I'm a well-seasoned traveler.

13) Intermediate Knowledge of Computers, Electronics, Plumbing & Cars, AKA The Traditional-Contemporary Male Skill Set - I have this burning desire to be self-sufficient. My folks instilled it in me. (Ironic since they're anything but self-sufficient, but whatever.) I want to be able to be a real Jane-of-all-trades, and that includes having expertise in areas that are traditionally designated for men and boys.

When my folks conceive of being self-sufficient, it's in a very introverted, anti-social and selfish kind of way. They would rather not have to communicate with others. They would rather be cut off from the world than have to deal with conflicting opinions.

I'm of another variety of self-sufficient: I want to be able to do everything on my own, but not by myself. I recognize the inherent value of people and cultures and differences. I want to be able to apply my knowledge, assert my intelligence and worth as a human being, and learn all I can from people while doing so.

14) A Sense of Purpose - Last night, on the subway platform, a rush of euphoria came over me. The past four days have been intense. I know what I'm about and what I want to achieve. I just have to make it there. This makes life good even when it's bad.

15) External Hard Drive and Memory Card - Because, damnit, I wanna join the rest of my generation in keeping hard copy evidence of the world that I live in via cultural landmarks of the media and photographic variety.