I'm the lame one.

*** Actually, no. Correction: Y'all are the lame ones. ***

That's the feeling I get when I'm with my BFFs, and I know it's just a matter of time before it goes away... But I wonder about our conflicting value systems and what it means that they're conflicting. I wonder what it means that our perspectives on things are so dissimilar.

When it comes to day-to-day stuff, we don't have much in common and there are only so many things that I can talk about before I feel like I'm being fake and just going with the conversation. I'm the kind of person who knows the names of all* the celebrities, but not what any of them are up to. I don't follow music or television trends because I'm too busy reading the latest New York Times best seller or one of my philosophy books. When I do follow trends in media, it's under the lens of a reporter or essayist: I'll know what the Soulja Boy is, but only in terms of its effects on pop culture and mainstream culture; I won't know anything about the song or the latest other crap on the Top 40.

A lot of the time, when we're all together, I'm really quiet. I can't find anything to talk about that everyone would be into. I can't let loose and relax because I feel a constant need to stop feeling out of sync with everyone else. When I do feel like part of the group, it's only after drinking a lot. I'm past the days of heavy drinking and my tolerance is low. Pathetic as it is, all I need are an empty stomach and three rounds of gin & juice and I'm good.

But why do I need to drink to relax? Is the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach paranoia or something else? And what do I have to feel paranoid about?

I relax in a different way than my BFFs. I'll talk in ebonics, but I won't throw around the N word. I won't do outlandish things for the hell of it: I have responsibilities and priorities. I'd rather talk about what's really on my mind - important issues - than random BS. I'd rather stay grounded, have maybe one drink to let loose, and be myself. I don't want to be a loose, loud and overly sexual version of myself just to fit the crowd. But fun to them is drinking a lot and doing loud and obnoxious things. And being Me means NOT being like them.

I wish that wasn't the case.